May 26, 2026
This week, I have been battling two very different emotions at the same time—gratitude and joy for my son who graduated high school, and deep grief and sadness for the son who should have graduated right alongside his brother.
I have tried to stay present in the celebration while also carrying the ache in my heart.
This was never the future I imagined for him. Never the life I pictured. He had so much potential—a future full of success, happiness, and the opportunity to become everything he dreamed of being.
As the names were called during commencement, my heart dropped at the moment his name should have been called. I could picture him walking across the stage right after his brother, wearing that big, beautiful smile I love so much.
I imagined the two of them sitting together, laughing and smiling as they prepared to walk out of those school doors one final time together, celebrating with friends and stepping into the next chapter of life side by side.
Instead, I sat there replaying the last five years in my mind, trying to understand how we ended up here. How did this happen?
I cannot rewrite the past. And deep down, I know that despite the mistakes that were made, we did everything we could. I remind myself of that daily.
Not a day goes by that I do not worry about where he is. The constant Google searches to find him…never knowing what I might discover.
So yes, my grief is real. I have to accept that.
During this season of celebration, I am also holding space for sadness. It is possible to carry both at the same time. It is not easy, but it is possible.
Every day, I rely on the Lord to keep me grounded in light and to hold me up when I begin to slip into the darkness.
This moment will pass. Graduation celebrations will end, and life will move forward. But I know there will be more moments when the grief resurfaces. And when it does, I will once again lean on the Lord to hold me up and give me the strength to keep going.
“My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.”
— Psalm 73:26
Unpolished Truth 