Talk about being unpolished…today, while looking back through old journal entries, I realized I got the year wrong in my very first post. The year my life became a public circus was 2024, not 2023.
I could beat myself up over the mistake and tell myself I’m not cut out for blogging, or I can admit that I’m human and move forward.
So here I am—admitting my mistake and showing just how imperfect I really am.
The truth is, the last five years have been so chaotic, challenging, and emotionally exhausting that I’m lucky to know what day it is sometimes. Fall of 2023 was really the beginning of the worst of it all.
I’m going to share this journal entry with you because it’s what made me realize I had the year wrong in my first post. And honestly…this is opening me up a little more than I expected this early on.
But I don’t believe it was an accident that I found these words on my phone this morning.
Even back then, in the middle of the pain and confusion, I was still holding onto the belief that God would use my story—my family’s story—for good. And today, I’m still holding onto that same truth.
My heart is racing as I share this.
October 30, 2023
Today has been hard. CPS closed the case, and when I opened the email, I immediately started sobbing. The emotions I’ve carried over the past several months have been overwhelming—anger, sadness, anxiety, worry, even relief. The list could go on. I’ve been so tired lately, and I honestly think the mental exhaustion has started manifesting as physical exhaustion.
I feel like I can’t let go of the low-level anxiety that constantly lingers beneath the surface. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering if something with T will happen again and send our world into another spiral.
As much as I say I trust God and His plan, I still find myself worrying about what tomorrow will bring. But deep down, I know I don’t want to live chained to fear anymore. I want peace. I want joy. I want freedom from the weight I’ve allowed this situation to place on me.
I want to dream again. I want goals again. I want to feel passion and purpose again. I want the Lord to open the next door and give me the courage to walk through it. I need to feel alive again.
So, Lord, what is it? I know You have more for me than this.
I know I am a better wife and mother when I am growing, creating, and working toward something meaningful. But more than anything, I want Your plan—not my own. Even when I can’t see what’s ahead, I want to trust that You are still writing a beautiful story from all of this pain.
James 1:2-3
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance”
Unpolished Truth 